Showing posts with label diarys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diarys. Show all posts

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

again

diary
i cannot sleep i have to see shug when he comes in through the window. HAVE TO BE READY.
I have thought a great deal about my life i am aging without my own permission.I believe when he comes to take me,i will either leave homeand return harmed although satisfyed by the death of an enemy,OR I WILL NEVER RETURN.And in death admit silently i knew not of my visitors strength or will.
For now i am half numb half raw.A girl who still manages to rise each morning and exit the placei lately must be reminded is called home.As if nothing is wrong.
Ido not doubt that shug is aware of my every movement.that this horror wh calls himself a man sits up high.
Itry each day to memorise the face that looks back at me in the mirror.I HOLD TIGHT TO IT.I IMAGINE ILL BE IN FLIGHT WHEN I COMPARE IT TO MY REMAINS that i often dream will be found.
His time is the evening the hour during which rescue is least possible,
i sit awaiting his arrival kept awke by the notion that i shall be accustomed to the dark far easier than he to the light.

k.

unknown

diary,
it comes to me now that i have decided to play along.
After repeating it to myself for ages it seems, i finally feel a sene of resolve with my joining him for the sole purpose of battle.To join the darkness, and perhaps cling to the bit of light remaining inside me,and use it as strength as it should have been.

The reality is that there is no choosing a days events or even a moments when before you have even opened your eyes to see light for the very first time someone of a great evil and stealth chooses you.Spins a bottle of sorts and giggles at the power in a simple game of selection

k.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

love

my boyfriend told me he loved me today
i was like whowa i dont even know what
love is yet

just sex .

i think he wants to take it to the next level
im sure he dos i will ask him tomorow.
and i will let you know what he says ,
its hard coz i dont love him either
there must be somebody outthere for me to love.

i told mum about dad and guess what?
the stupid woman is still with him says she still loves him
and she will deal with it in her own way.

k.
i had sex with davie again sad but true
you know its not love or anything its just great sex
and he gives me joints too ill be going back for more

might make me sound like a tart but i like it infact
i love it makes me feel good makes me feel worthy.

my boyfriend dosnt know im sleeping
with davie he is like pure like a goody goody
davie is a badby and i like that .

secrets secrets
k
you know i caught that bastard of a dad screwing a little tart from neilston in the back of his taxi down the bottom scheme. i often wondered why he never wanted me down there and thats why coz hes scared id catch him and fukn tell my mum well im going to tell her shes sitting at home with his kids and hes out getting laid i dont think so not when im around anyway.

its upto mum what shes gunna do about it though id cut his balls off
ill leave it and see how things go before i tell mum exactly what has been going
on behind her back that cow lynne esson is gonna pay for what she
has done she aint getting away with it nobody messes with me and gets away with it
she will be truely sorry truely truely sorry

k.

unknown

dear diary
its been along time since ive written.School is fine but im finding it almost to easy.Thereis not enough to do to keep my mind from wandering to sex boys fantasies. Jade and i have had several fights this year because she says im acting weird to her, and im not being the friend i was.I hate cryingso why dos it come so easily these days?i am only trying to be good ,and to keep busy,and not to do to much day dreamingbecause thats what makes bad things happen.

Now Jade is mad because i wont tell her what i am really feelingi cant it scares me .

I hate myself and i hate my life dad has been busy lately with work, mums to busy with the rest of the kids to even listen to what i have to say when she gets 5 minutes at night she sits with her vodka n coke waiting on dads finishing up his taxi that bastard.


i need a joint im going to find davie ill be back later
k

Saturday, 15 November 2008

unknown

I am ju....st going to write and not think to hard about it and maybe i will
remember more i just woke up its 4.30am .

I dont remember when it started, but he has always had long hair
he knows everything about meand knos how to frighten me more
than anyone.

he first started to play with me we started to chase eachother
through the woodsand he would always find me but i could never find
him.He would come up from behind me and grab my shoulders and
ask me my name. id tell him im kimberley,and hed turn me around let go and laugh.

When i think about it,he wasnt playing the way he shouldve been
he was being very mean to me,and he was scaring me all the time
I think he likes it when i am frightened.He makes me feel that way
everytime he takes me with him.He likes to embaress me by pulling
down my pants and laughing at me.He screams out loud i smell dirty
he says he dosnt even know why he likes me.He says if i didnt beg him
to come back all the time,he would never come back.

I NEVER BEG HIM TO COME.NEVER.I WISH HIM FAR AWAY .I SWEAR.

When i started to get older,he would tell me things about myself i
didnt know.I dont think he was telling the truth.I think he was lying to me
and making it up as he went along.He always knew what scared me and exactly what to say
to make me cry.then he would take my neck........and squeezeHe squeezed my neck
until i stopped crying.He would just let go before i would faint.Everything would go tingly and dark, my head would spin inside and i couldnt see anything.

later
k.

unknown

something just came to me.........

a memory of skipping
i was small,looking up at him
before he told me to lie down
or to say things
before he told me
that opening my mouth was bad
that we had a secret
before he began to turn me inside out
before i sat on a tiny hill
we used to skip
hold hands#talk about what we saw
he told me what to see
#but i didnt see it
i have been blind
i think
ever since the skipping stopped.

I want to be left lone like other people are
I want to learn like other people do.
I want to forget the things that suddenly come to me....
something bad is happening..........why is it happening to me?
I think it is eal.I THINK IT IS REAL.
After i see jade maybe ill have more sense of it i
hope jade is still my friend

k.

LISTENING TO THE WOOD

Inside the trees are souls i think,
Souls that grow and change
Inside each leaf,so quiet
A memory of moments no one else has seen
But no man ever listens
Takes the time to think
That trees might see what happens
That in the way they rustle
Is a hint they want to speak.


They might have tried to whisper
In the palm of someones hand
their memory of the little girl
How there is a new hole inside her
And a new and smaller mouth
But no one believes or cares
That maybe
The tree would know
Something was very wrong
That it wants to talk about the sadness
It has seen so many nights
I think the world
Should walk deep into the woods
Listen very carefully,
To the voices in the leaves.
See the details,the tiny maps
of footsteps,and sometimes stains
They shouls see the leaves
Are shaped like tears
They should study the design in fallen needles
Maybe there are some markings on the ground
That will lead the world
To the one who made
THE HOLE

it is late and shug came tonight
i dont think margaret knew me at all

k.
hey only me again
last night i slept the whole night for the first time in
ages.When i woke up i couldnt even remember the dreams
that i had had, or if even i had any.I know they say everyone dreams all the
time,but ii usually remember them.Anyway,i was brushing my hair and all of a
sudden i got this image in my head it was like i been there before it was so strange
it was woods with sheep there and like a hut type thing i go in coz i here people talking but when
i open the door there is nobody there it seems so familiar to me i just cant put my
finger on where or even what it is?.

I saw a lady today she was sitting all by herself so i spoke to her
she looked at me for a while without speaking a word then she said
"i know you ar feeling curious about me and this place ,
i said yeh
in my dream i was told to meet you here i told her.
my tummy flipped at that point
"i dream like other people sometimes" she said calmly "it just happens".
she told me her name was margaret
i never realised that she was so nice.We sat together on the grass
for a while just chatting she said i should not worry so often things
have a habbit of working themselves out,she said she new alot about me,
special things she told me to pay attention to the things round about me.
she also said "things are not always what they seem"
she looked away then back again relieved that we were still alone
she said she new that i had been dreaming of being a woman,and that this
was good because all young girls do. then her words got confuzing...........
she said many things about the woods,and i tried to listen very carefully,
because i trusted her and thought maybe she knew something
that would help me, alot of it seemed like rubbish i remember it so ill write it
down but i dont know what it means, maybe i will later.What i did understand
made me feel so great inside,like i wasnt being bad at all what a relief it felt like....
and i wasnt being selfish at all.she said she will be watching me.
Then i told her something i hope she never repeats.i didnt even expect to say it
and to tell you the truth i didnt know where it came from. i told her that sometimes things happen that no one knos about.
That they happen in the woods when its very dark.I told her that sometimes i wasnt
even sure that these things were real,and sometimes i think they are more real than
the sunrise in the morning,and the thouht of that scares me very much.She looked away from
me,i remember, when i had finished .i thought i had said something to upset her
she looked at me then said you are a very beautiful girl and that many people
would love me in my life.
I hope many people do love me in my life. some day i hope to love someone too.
i wonder if margaret has ever though of sex the way i do.

love
k.

diaries old

I am feeling like each time i think about what happened with davie
i change a little bit more . each time he gets a little bit rougher with
me , and i get more seductive,and make him tell me how i make him feel
and tell them where and how to touch me. I know why though strange.........
i loved it the way it was but when i think about it i want it more and more
and i want it nastier, i like that feeling like that.


love
k.

Friday, 7 November 2008

nknown

Its over a week since i last wrote in you sorry but its been crazy around here................ well, here inside me at least.Home is just the same.Irritating more than anything else .God, i feel so trapped sometimes,like i have to wear this fake smile on my face for everyone or else everyone freaks out on me.

I wonder if pain,the kind that dosnt just happen when someone dies,but the kind that you live with........ can it ever be a friend? Pain as a shadow or companion. i wonder if thats possible.

Anyway i just thought i would write in you to tell you the news i told you before about davie right?
well i meet him behind the garages and had a few joints with him last night by myself nobody else was there and took it further with him i did it with him it was great it felt great brilliant and it was all me who was in control again he did what i said and hen i said it i loved it .

Davie said that we were both smashed and shouldnt tell any body incase they get it wrong
but he said he definatly wants more of me but i think im going to try it with somebody else mind you davie will be good to keep sweet for his hash.

k.
I had a joint the other night with some of the older guys that hang around were we live i suppose you could say i got stoned was good though had a few drinks out of there cider too so i dont know if i was accually stoned or drunk i think stoned caused ive sneeked drink from the fridge before and never felt that way before.

I was with vickie jade was unwell mum dosnt like vickie that much says she is a bad influence bhoy if she only knew the truth im not an angel in fact by far am i an angel

anyway i snogged davie higgins hes certainly not gods gift but hes older n hes pretty cool so i snogged him and let him touch me i think i got more enjoyment out of it its a pure thrill adrenaline rush i guess wondering how far it going to go or how far ill let it go

thats for me to decide im in control of it.

We ended up in the old graveyard its got a small hut type thing in it for people to go into when it is raining thats were i got hold of davie let him run his fingers over my chest a first with my top on then i let him go under neath then under my bra my nipples had got extremly huge and they were tingling it felt great but its not the time to go any further yet maybe soon though.

k.

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

unknown

dinner was good tonight one of my favorites spaghetti bolognese mum
makes her own sauce with fresh tomatos its georgous with chunky mushrooms
onions and garlic . i think mum made it specially for me cause she knows how much i
love it.

I am still afraid of my fantasies and my nightmares .
i love jade very much but i often but sometimes i worry
she wouldnt love or even like me if she knew what i am like inside

Black and dark , soaked with dreams of big big men and in diffrent ways
they might hold me and take me into there control,A fairy princess
who thinks she has been rescued from a tower,but finds that the man who takes her away
is not there to save her,but to go inside her and make her close her eyes,and listen
as he tells her all that he does.Step byu step i hope this isnt a bad thing

k

DATE UNKNOWN

i have decided to write in you again its been almost a year since
i have written maybe now people will leave you and me alone.
i know its not your fault that somebody found youand they
decided to pry but it has taken along time to feel safe to write in
you again.Many many things have happened to me since i last spoke to you
and many of these things prove that what i thought about the world
to be cruel were correct.

I trust no one and only rarly trust myself.I struggle most mornings
afternoons and evenings with what is right and what is wrong.
I do not understand if i am being punished for something i have done wrong maybe something i dont remember.MAYBE THIS HAPPNS TO EVERY TEEN I JUST DONT KNOW.

k

invasion

TO THE PERSON INVADING MY PRIVACY

i cannot believe the distrust i feel in my family and friends.
i know for a fact my diary was taken and read by someone
or maybe several someones.
i wont be writing in this diary for a long time if i ever do
again.
dont you understand this is private its mines
nobody elses just mine i need my private thoughts


PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM THIS DIARY
I MEAN IT

K.

Friday, 24 October 2008

date unknown

well diary, i have descovered something about myself.Do you remeber the night i told you about that wonderful feeling? Well! There is a special place on my body that lets me feel like that as often as i like.Its warm its great it feels really good.My little secret red button. This is all mines nobodys getting it. Finally i have something to go with my fantasies.I CAN DO IT IN MY BED OR IN THE BATH OR IN GRANS SHOWER.I never knew a bath could be so enjoyable!it makes me squirm and jump around sometimes i have to grab my pillow so mum dosnt hear me and come in to see whats wrong!i feel very good when it happens and noone is ever going to know except you and meI am now begining to feel like a real woman.

k.

Monday, 20 October 2008

unknown

My tits ache, which sounds almost stupid cause they are
so small well not as small as some of the other girls i know.
I will admit they are bigger than they were last week, and are
certainly looking nicer, but god they hurt.

Mum come in earlier i told her i wished she hadnt told dad
about my period ,she said sorry and said she only did it
cause her baby was now a woman, how drab is that?

I hope i can sleep through the night tonight

k.

unknown

Ive not written to you in ages cause ive been trying so hard to be good
and around happy good people all the time im never alone to think about
the wrong things.Today i thought id write and tell you the gossip.
I got my PERIOD.Its not what i thought it would be like, school starts next week
and now this, it is all im needing.

Im in bed just now with cramp watching a bit of tv
god id kill for a fag just now.

Sometimes i think there is someone inside me,
but it is another stranger part of me,i see her
reflection in the mirror sometimes,shes darker
than me.

k.

Sunday, 19 October 2008

unknown

Its me again
Never before in my life so far have i been so confused.
It is five-thirty in the morning,and i can hardly hold
this pen i am shaking so much.Ihave been in the woods
at the damm again.Lost. But ive been led.I think i am
a very bad person.TOMORROW I WILL START NEW
i will be GOOD.I wont think any more about sex.Maybe
he will stop coming if i try harder to be good.Maybe i could be
more like Jade.

K.